You're never too old

On 'The Golden Bachelor' and finding love after 60

On September 28, The Golden Bachelor premiered on ABC. Gerry Turner (no relation), a widower, father, pickleball* lover, etc. etc. embarked on a journey to find love after loss, at the age of 70. Think what you will about the Bachelor franchise (and I wasn’t sure Bachelor could pull this off, based on the fact that they are a mess) - The Golden Bachelor is great. Gerry and the women are interesting, multifaceted, and funny; all with rich backstories and their share of genuine sorrows. It’s a more interesting iteration of The Bachelor than I’ve ever seen because the people involved bring a level of depth that can only come with a lifetime of experience.

Yes, I love The Bachelor. It’s ridiculous but it’s fun, and I think The Golden Bachelor is, in some ways, revolutionary. And listen - before you call my alma mater demanding they rescind my masters for the crime of being an unserious person, humor me for a minute.

There is an insidious, unfortunate, and tragic misconception that has been part of our societal narrative for too long: that older people cannot find love. Despite longing for companionship (particularly after loss), many older people treat this as a foregone conclusion: Too late for me. Why try?

I hate hearing this. Too many people hold themselves back from finding love, and the result is that many of those people are unnecessarily aging without companionship. This is such a shame and such a waste. The Golden Bachelor is exposing this narrative for what it is: a pernicious lie. Over and over again on this show, I hear people saying that they had lost all hope of finding love and leaving with greater optimism, having experienced the truth, which is that many, many people are single later in life, and many of them are longing for a partner. Reader, this could be you!

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I know, love, and also have worked with many elders, but listen: I’m in my mid-30s, without the wealth of experience of those older than I am, and without the experience of aging in a culture that does not respect or value people as they grow older. There are genuine considerations, challenges, and sorrows that come with this experience. I don’t know what that’s like because I haven’t been there yet, so I get it if you’re raising an incredulous eyebrow at what I’m saying. I hear the concern, but despite my age I simply cannot and will not believe that these challenges and considerations should preclude you from finding love at an older age. Still, being a therapist (and thus annoying about consultation), I called my grandmother to ask her thoughts on this topic. She is 95, went zip-lining on her 90th birthday, and recently did an impromptu standup set at some event she attended. She is a living example of someone challenging narratives about aging. She also worked with elders for a long time before becoming one herself - so she knows what’s up.

“I used to run a bereavement group, and you wouldn’t believe how many marriages resulted from those meetings. People want to meet each other, they want to love and be loved in their later years, and they don’t want to waste time.”

She believes that it is more than possible to find love over 60, and that creating and sustaining places and communities that foster connection is central to aging in a way that is happy, healthy, and fulfilling. If you’re navigating grief, it is easier when you have others alongside you, who intimately understand the pain of losing beloved companions, friends, and family. This is an especially poignant aspect of The Golden Bachelor - watching those who have loved and lost connect over their stories, and offering each other comfort, perspective, and love. Not only love - but friendship, too.

All people deserve love and care, and many find it. Whether you believe it or not, you have a lot to offer - your care, love, wisdom, companionship. If you are staying home and not putting yourself out there, then yes, finding love is going to be challenging and unlikely. If you accept the lie that it’s pointless, or that you’re too old, then odds are you won’t even try. But what would it be like if you dared, just a little, to give that story less credence? What would it be like if, maybe even before letting go of the limiting belief, you sought out settings where other people are? People with similar experiences and at a similar place in life are likely to be longing to meet people like you, who get it. Even more daring, what would it be like if you created and cultivated those settings where you find that there are gaps? Who might you meet - friend or lover or both - and what sort of community might you foster?

And, what if being older actually could set you up for an even deeper, more fulfilling experience of love (and sex)? Match.com released a study in 2017 showing that people they surveyed over 60 are having “the best sex of their lives” - and it makes sense. A lifetime of sexual experience and experimentation can do that. A lifetime of learning to know oneself and of being in relationship with others can also lead to relationships characterized by their peace, mutual respect, and fulfillment. You actually might be missing out on something brand new if you give in to the idea that there’s nothing left for you.

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These narratives don’t only impact those who are currently over 60. The specter of aging hovers over mainstream American culture, leading us to internalize all sorts of ideas about what it means to grow older, what it means to love others, and what it means to matter. Everywhere you look you can see the signs of a society that is terrified of age, because we have been told that growing older means you matter less. It’s no wonder people are fighting and gnashing their teeth against The Enemy. We define that enemy as old age, but the real enemy is the story we tell ourselves about aging. Biological clock considerations aside, how many decisions are people under 60 making in their relationships, based on narratives of “running out of time” and “about to be too old”? What are the ways you talk to yourself about aging, about your next birthday, about your next decade? Do you look forward to becoming more sure of yourself, wiser, and more connected to everything, or do you cringe away from it? There is much, much more to be said about this and about the transcendent potential of aging consciously, but that is for another day. For now, it’s about the stories we tell ourselves, and how, depending on the stories, they can set us up for more satisfying human connection or keep us away from those opportunities for love in all its forms. We have to be careful of the stories we decide are true, and looking out for the exceptions to those stories - exceptions that are waiting to be noticed.

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Back to The Bachelor. Representation isn’t the end-all-be-all of social change, but it is important. It’s important to have representations of people who are actively challenging these narratives - and it’s a privilege to get to see their emotional and psychological journeys in shedding some of these narratives. The Golden Bachelor offers that in spades. While the specter of notoriously bad reality TV conditions looms, having me concerned for contestants (to quote Natascha, “Do the rose ceremony in chairs” - and for the love of God, please stop putting people in bunk beds) and hoping that producers were more thoughtful about safety this time around - The Golden Bachelor is still providing a public service, and for that I’m grateful. All the contestants deserve a tremendous amount of credit for putting themselves and their stories out there in such a public way. It’s no small thing, and it’s brave.

You can be brave too.

*What is it with this pickleball craze? Don’t we already have tennis and badminton and squash and ping pong? Do we need another racket-based game? Help.

Photo: ABC/Craig Sjodin